Wednesday, July 29, 2009

In Pursuit of happiness

What really matter in life? This is a question which keeps coming back to me every now and then since my childhood. I keep moving on and the question follow me. What do i ask from life? I say I'm not very ambitious but then certain things i do really make me doubt myself.
I love my family. I left them to work in a different city far away from them. What matters? my family or my work? If family, why did i leave them so far away and spend days missing all the small and big events?
I always wanted to start a school or at least be a teacher. But i didn't do that... i take up another high paying job. What matters my real dreams or fake money? Of course the money, otherwise why would I give up my dream.
I was happy being what i am - An average girl nothing extraordinary. People tell me i should do this and do that and be like others. That upsets me; I stay unhappy coz i fail to be like someone else. What matters? my happiness or what people think of me ... had my happiness been my priority I wouldn’t bother bout what people say or think about me .. But no I give up my happiness because they make me feel less capable and I want them to like me.
These and many more such instances in my life, where I have done things which look good to the society and make sense to the people around me have taken me far away from myself and leave me unsatisfied and sad about everything.
I never wanted to be in the rat race but I dint realise when I became a part of it. I feel everything I do is a reaction to peer pressure. Because someone else did it, I should do that too and a little more. When I know that does not give me any pleasure. I know what gives me happiness and pleasure but I can’t follow it coz that will be too simple and normal and below standard i guess.
Will I be able to lead my life the way I want?
Can I ever stop bothering about people?
YES i will be coz I'm already in pursuit of it.

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