Loneliness

How do you define loneliness ?? when you are alone and there is no one around you ? when you are left out of the crowd ? when you have no one to talk to ...
i think loneliness is much worse than this.... its when you have people around you ... when you are amongst a crowd and worse, with people who call themselves close to you and you still don't feel comfortable...
its the feeling when your heart is bubbling with emotions but you cant talk because you are scared that you'll not be understood ...
its the feeling when you desperately need a hug but you don't move your arms forward...
its the feeling when you loose and there is no one to cry with ..
its the feeling when your best friend is with you but cant see through you..
its the feeling which cut you like knife and you feel hurt but cant really call for help... because you cant put it in words .. and even if you do you know there is no one to listen to your call...
its the feeling when you don't wanna make any more friends and
when in the middle of the day you just wanna hide yourself under your bed wrap your arms around yourself and cry hard ... and get out of the room as if all is fine...
that's how loneliness gets on to you ... when you know there is no one to look up to or look back to ... and you see no end to it ... and think that you will get use to it ... but initially every day it get worse... then you stop shedding tears but it keeps hurting.. and then over a period of time you get submerged in the whole feeling... its like the drugs which does pain a little in the start and you know its not good for you .. but you don't wanna give it up .... because you know there is no one waiting for you outside and so you create a world of your own ...
so you start enjoying it...

Tired

With a weak body and an injured heart,
I could just keep myself from falling apart.

Slowly moving - one step at a time,
Amongst a crowd but none who is mine.

I'm moving on but know not where to go,
I cant see anything, just the vast sky and the sea shore.

I wish i could blend with the sky or dissolve in sea,
or in the dark night which lay ahead of me.

Such a beautiful night, i want to fold and sleep,
I wish this night never ends, there is nothing more i wish to see.

Some Truths!

Some truths better left alone than trying to understand.

Some relationships left without being named.

Some feelings just to be felt once and never to be expected again.

Some bonds to be cherished forever and never get enough of.

Some people you feel blessed to have in life but still take them for granted.

Some moments you want to be what you are not.

Some people you cry for and never tell them what they mean to you.

Some things you crave for but you know you will never take them Even if they are available.

Some times you are madly in love with two people and justify any one.

Some times you want to punish yourself by living and not dying.

Some times you are not alone even though there is no one with you.

These so many 'Sometimes' makes your life worth every moment.

kambakht Ishq

I am the wife of my Hero. I used to be a thinker, a writer, a painter n lot more but now most importantly i am a part of him. And i am so submerged in it that it feels impossible to go back n find my old self. This blog is one of those attempts.
Not that being in love with him is not fulfilling. It is. With each passing day i go more deep and deep and deep. but loosing my own self is scary... Its like m going away from myself.
Everyday I'm more in love with him. I think of him when I'm travelling. I dream about dancing with him like when you first time fall in love. I wait for him like mad. I talk to him when he is not around. I wait for the night, to sleep in his arms and wish the morning should come a little late. I need him like a baby needs his mother..... arggghhh .. m i getting obsessed? I don't know. I don't even know whether its normal. but my friends don't behave like this. i mean we are already two years married but still my urge to get more of him never ceases.
I hope I'm not eating up on his space. And I'm scared of loosing my individuality and end up being his shadow.
But its so uncontrollable. I continue to let him take control of me and be mesmerise by him. kambakht Ishq !

In Pursuit of happiness

What really matter in life? This is a question which keeps coming back to me every now and then since my childhood. I keep moving on and the question follow me. What do i ask from life? I say I'm not very ambitious but then certain things i do really make me doubt myself.
I love my family. I left them to work in a different city far away from them. What matters? my family or my work? If family, why did i leave them so far away and spend days missing all the small and big events?
I always wanted to start a school or at least be a teacher. But i didn't do that... i take up another high paying job. What matters my real dreams or fake money? Of course the money, otherwise why would I give up my dream.
I was happy being what i am - An average girl nothing extraordinary. People tell me i should do this and do that and be like others. That upsets me; I stay unhappy coz i fail to be like someone else. What matters? my happiness or what people think of me ... had my happiness been my priority I wouldn’t bother bout what people say or think about me .. But no I give up my happiness because they make me feel less capable and I want them to like me.
These and many more such instances in my life, where I have done things which look good to the society and make sense to the people around me have taken me far away from myself and leave me unsatisfied and sad about everything.
I never wanted to be in the rat race but I dint realise when I became a part of it. I feel everything I do is a reaction to peer pressure. Because someone else did it, I should do that too and a little more. When I know that does not give me any pleasure. I know what gives me happiness and pleasure but I can’t follow it coz that will be too simple and normal and below standard i guess.
Will I be able to lead my life the way I want?
Can I ever stop bothering about people?
YES i will be coz I'm already in pursuit of it.

First cut!

This is my first blog ever and there is so much going in my head. What to write... how much to write .. when to stop. I never wrote online (except for some reviews and feedback). but it always attracted me. Writing is a very personal affair for me. and it gets very difficult for me to hold myself back from not writing what i actually feel . And would i be okay to let people read what i feel? I don't know. Its not a very comfortable feeling, but i need to grow over it. till how long can i lie in my cocoon.
So here i am writing all what i feel and taking one more step towards exploring my self and this magical world of people, where we physically move apart and still try hard to reach out to be together