मुबारक हो तुम्हें ये शराब

हर बार मुझे अकेलेपन का अहसास दिलाती

मुझसे ज्यादा तुम पे ये अपनापन बताती

मानो जैसे मेरे प्यार पर शार्प

मुबारक हो तुम्हें ये शराब
।

तुम्हारी गुड़िया के आसुओं से ऊपर है ये

उसकी प्यारी मुस्कान फिकी कर देती ये

मानो जैसे उसका बचपन खराब

मुबारक हो तुम्हें ये शराब
।

तुम्हें युँ ख़ुदग़र्ज़ बना देती हैं

एक जुनून चडा देती है

जैसे पहले चेहरे पे था नक़ाब

मुबारक हो तुम्हें ये शराब
।

Aug 3 2014

खुद से धोखा

दूसरो सा बनने में इतना मशरूफ हो गए ,
के अब तू अपने मन की आवाज़ में भी किसी और के लव्ज़ हैं
याद करने से भी याद नहीं आता की खुद क्या सोचते थे हम
अपने सोचने खा ढंग भी किसी और का ही है।

हमने कुछ और दिखाके, कुछ और कह के,
खुद को छुपा के, दुनिया को दिए धोके
पर कभी कभी एक सरगोशी सी महसूस होती  है, ,
कहीं दर्द जैसा, शायद वही हम होंगे।

पर  खुद से कब तक भागते , थक के कब तक ना हारते
टकरा ही गए आखिर अपने आप से।

कुछ प्यार जैसा

आँखों में तमन्ना है उनकी,
सांसों में इंतज़ार सा,
उनको हमसे, हमको  उनसे,
कुछ ऐसा जैसे प्यार सा।

नहीं प्यार शायद  सही नहीं,
कुछ प्यार से बढ़ कर है इस में।
कोई शिकवा नहीं, कोई चाहत नहीं,
इज़ज़त आँखों में है जिसमे।

सहारा है पर साथ नहीं,
और साथ कि उनके चाह भी नहीं
बस दिल से दिल को राह सी है,
यह काफी है, बस और नहीं।

एक सचाई सी है इस रिश्ते में,
कोई उम्मीद नहीं, कोई झुठ नहीं,
हिम्मत हैं एक दूजे कि,
कुछ बड़ कर है, ये प्यार नहीं।

Just llike GOD

When I was disheartened and all alone,

You gave me strength to carry on.

When everyone left me, you're by my side,

I knew you'd always give me a shelter to hide.

Many a times I blamed you for all wrongs,

But still you inspired me to carry on.

That was all I needed, at that time,

Some one to tell me - 'Things will be Fine'

Though we never talk, but I told you everything,

And I cant express the happiness it brings.

I hope you know, how much I depend on you,

I want you to be my guiding light all through.

People might call you by myriad names,

Put your picture in different frames.

For me you are my faith, my authentic part,

I worship you and have your picture in my heart.

I stand besides my window watching the sky fall down, Drop By Drop.

The clouds thunder, as if calling me. If I turn, I feel they almost pat me. I ignore them. it throws lightening at me, as if i cant hear. I ignore them. I let it seep in me. Drop By Drop.

Why is it raining out of season? I know they came looking for me. Like always. To cry with me or rather to make me cry, once more. They never left me alone. I ignore them. But they seep inside me Drop By Drop.

My heart is unable to keep up with my non chalant ways and it sinks. I feel choked, suffocated but i don't show it on my face. All the memories came alive in front of my eyes. Everything - Drop By Drop.

I'm angry now. I stare at the clouds. Go away. It starts pouring heavily. As if they know I'm angry. They get what they wanted. My pain through my eyes - Drop By Drop.

ख़ामोशी

क्योँ नहीं सवाल इन आँखों में, कभी पुछा क्योँ नहीं,
क्योँ दूर हो गए तुम यूँ, न पुछा हमने कभी,
ये साथ है जब तो, क्योँ सन्नाटा चीखता है कान में,
क्योँ दिल भूल जाता है की कोई और भी रहता है इस मकान में.

क्योँ आंखें आँखों को देख कर कुछ कहती नहीं,
क्योँ बातें पहले की तेरह अब बहती नहीं,
क्योँ सुनने से पहले ही तुम थक जाते हो,
क्योँ गले लगने से पहले ही हम रुक जाते है,

ख़ामोशी है बस, एक ख़ामोशी है लम्बी सी
दिल, ऑंखें, बातें, सब चीज़ें है संभली सी
इतने सालों बाद भी कुछ पराया सा अहसास है,
आज भी तुझ में हमें 'एक दोस्त' की तलाश है

I’m turning 30

Okay, I was scared of you and I didn’t want you to come
But I know I can’t avoid you and the worries I wanted to shun
They say if you can’t avoid it why not try and accept.
So here dear 30 I’m all ready, to adapt.

I promise to be wise but not give up on fun,
Stand to face the storm and not try to run.
To be more organized but not at the cost of sanity,
I will be more sober and try to give up on vanity

I’m ready for those lines on my face,
And promise to take them up with grace.
And no more men gazing at me with veneration,
So I happily leave the way for the next generation.

Changed

He said while driving : "Pihu Pihu Pihu...." ( a kidish sound she used to make when she needed pampering n cuddling)
"You don't do it anymore . You've actually changed."
She said : "yes I have." But she wanted to say ' I have become lonely'
How sometimes you fail to see the emptiness in the eyes of people you live with but make every effort to understand the rest of the world.

It ain't love

Its not love but a desire to be loved, an ego to be satisfied, a devil to be fed, a triumph to be achieved.... which when not achieved leaves me like a fish without water.

Feelings i share.

Talking to him is a part of me now. I talk to him while I'm driving, walking, watching TV, lying before sleeping, before i get up from bed.... and almost all the time.

I tell him all small and big things. Things which make me what i am. The silliest of encounters and the biggest of events. I tell him what i felt when i was standing in front of god. How i felt when i met my childhood Friend. What i feel about my parents and there childhood stories. ... its a continuous conversation where i keep telling him whatever touches me.. sharing every bit and piece.

But in reality he knows nothing bout any of this ... B'coz we never really talked about it. sometimes it feels there are two people- one i live with and another with whome i share every thing with. I love both of them dearly.

Sometimes I fail to understand what kind of bond is this? Why do i share everything with him and yet not tell him anything.

On thinking about it seriously i feel i share everything with him b'coz i love him and want to share everything with him. and i don't tell him anything b'coz i feel he might not value my feelings as much as i do and it might hurt me.

I don't know if its good or bad.... but this is the way it is.

My hero

It feels terrible when you see your hero going from bad to worse. Yes he was my hero .. one who would never go wrong... who has a reason for everything... who was Mr. right... i always wanted to grow up like him.

Today when i met him after so many years i saw a totally different man ... a Man with no values .. a man with fake attitude .. no maturity .. no humbleness... a cheat ... a man not at all like my hero....

the strange thing is that i'm not angry ... m sad .. am embarrassed ... i feel as if i have done something wrong .. as if i did all his crimes...

He would never know what he did to me.... how he killed my childhood hero.

and it will always hurt when ever i will go back in my memory lane i will see him; my hero ... and realize how very wrong i was....

It hurts to even come face to face with him. i do not wish to see him any more... i do not wish to even complain....

'I will just let you go.... away from my life'

- thats my punishment.

Thank You.

How do i thank you enough

for being by my side

For looking into my eyes

and holding my hand tight.

For letting me cry

when I felt so weak

For healing my wounds

when it had cut so deep

For that short tight hug

when nothing worked my way

Just sitting by my side

when there was nothing left to say

You are m strength, my will

my hope and and support

My living angel

who'll get me through this all.

Nothing last forever.

Over a period of time it did wilt away, unable 2 keep the promise of blooming for all the times to come. She saw it fade away day after day. Before the next spring starts she wants to bid farewell to it but is not able to gather the strength. Then one day when she was sure to leave, to bury it in a nearby lake, she sat with it to take a look at the memory lane. How it came to her, made her days cheerful changed her life. How without a word there was this impossible promise to stay together forever...
Today before saying the final good bye she said '' thanks, m sorry we could not keep the promise but u brought a lot of happiness to my life. I will miss u. good bye''

माँ

याद है आज भी वो बचपन प्यारा
वो डगमगाते कदमो को तेरी ऊँगली का सहारा
हर मुश्किल के सागर में तेरी ममता का किनारा,
चाहे पापा की डांट हो या सोलह का पहाडा.

वो खेल कूद के थक के घर आना
'मम्मी भूख लगी' जोर से चिलाना
वो लस्सी, वो मठरी और आम का आचार,
तेरे हाथो का जादू, उसपर तेरी ममता और प्यार,

जब दोस्तों से लड़ के मैं कमरे में रोती
तुम बिना कुछ पूछे मेरे पास बैठी होती,
जब कभी हार के मैं घर वापस आती,
तुम मेरे लिए सबसे अच्छा खाना बनाती.

मेरी हर जीत में, मेरी हर हार में,
मेरे हर छोटे बड़े राज में,
कभी कुछ कहके कभी कहे बिना,
तुम मेरे साथ थी हर हाल में.

मेरी सहेली, मेरी गुरु, मेरी शान हो तुम,
मेरी राह मेरी दिशा मेरी आधार हो तुम,
ममता का सागर आपार हो तुम,
मेर जीवन का सार हो तुम.

With arms wide open

.

With arms wide open I'm waiting for you.
I've made your bed with dreams which i wish comes true.

You've given my life a whole new meaning.
How my life will be with you, is all I'm dreaming.

I will tell you stories and will sing for you the most beautiful songs
Will show you the world, all rights and all wrongs.

I will teach you not to win but never to give up in life.

The joy of earning a thing and the worthlessness of getting it in rife.

I will hide you in my arms, whenever you get scared
and strengthen you to face the challenge again.

I will guide you in every step of your life till god has given me time.
I wish you a beautiful life and like the stars may you shine.

One early morning feeling

A strange feeling of nothingness,
neither good nor bad,
a stillness, continuous numbness,
neither happy nor sad.

Sitting in my balcony, staring at the horizon,
n0thing to do, nowhere go,
I dont want anyone to break this trance
i need no company for sometime more.

Is it satisfaction or is it emptiness?
or both blend into one?
it doesn't really matter today
as i care to understand none

In few hours life will start its usual course,
and i will be lost in the day,
I will not bother to think about myself
in so much of detail.

Loneliness

How do you define loneliness ?? when you are alone and there is no one around you ? when you are left out of the crowd ? when you have no one to talk to ...
i think loneliness is much worse than this.... its when you have people around you ... when you are amongst a crowd and worse, with people who call themselves close to you and you still don't feel comfortable...
its the feeling when your heart is bubbling with emotions but you cant talk because you are scared that you'll not be understood ...
its the feeling when you desperately need a hug but you don't move your arms forward...
its the feeling when you loose and there is no one to cry with ..
its the feeling when your best friend is with you but cant see through you..
its the feeling which cut you like knife and you feel hurt but cant really call for help... because you cant put it in words .. and even if you do you know there is no one to listen to your call...
its the feeling when you don't wanna make any more friends and
when in the middle of the day you just wanna hide yourself under your bed wrap your arms around yourself and cry hard ... and get out of the room as if all is fine...
that's how loneliness gets on to you ... when you know there is no one to look up to or look back to ... and you see no end to it ... and think that you will get use to it ... but initially every day it get worse... then you stop shedding tears but it keeps hurting.. and then over a period of time you get submerged in the whole feeling... its like the drugs which does pain a little in the start and you know its not good for you .. but you don't wanna give it up .... because you know there is no one waiting for you outside and so you create a world of your own ...
so you start enjoying it...

Tired

With a weak body and an injured heart,
I could just keep myself from falling apart.

Slowly moving - one step at a time,
Amongst a crowd but none who is mine.

I'm moving on but know not where to go,
I cant see anything, just the vast sky and the sea shore.

I wish i could blend with the sky or dissolve in sea,
or in the dark night which lay ahead of me.

Such a beautiful night, i want to fold and sleep,
I wish this night never ends, there is nothing more i wish to see.

Some Truths!

Some truths better left alone than trying to understand.

Some relationships left without being named.

Some feelings just to be felt once and never to be expected again.

Some bonds to be cherished forever and never get enough of.

Some people you feel blessed to have in life but still take them for granted.

Some moments you want to be what you are not.

Some people you cry for and never tell them what they mean to you.

Some things you crave for but you know you will never take them Even if they are available.

Some times you are madly in love with two people and justify any one.

Some times you want to punish yourself by living and not dying.

Some times you are not alone even though there is no one with you.

These so many 'Sometimes' makes your life worth every moment.

kambakht Ishq

I am the wife of my Hero. I used to be a thinker, a writer, a painter n lot more but now most importantly i am a part of him. And i am so submerged in it that it feels impossible to go back n find my old self. This blog is one of those attempts.
Not that being in love with him is not fulfilling. It is. With each passing day i go more deep and deep and deep. but loosing my own self is scary... Its like m going away from myself.
Everyday I'm more in love with him. I think of him when I'm travelling. I dream about dancing with him like when you first time fall in love. I wait for him like mad. I talk to him when he is not around. I wait for the night, to sleep in his arms and wish the morning should come a little late. I need him like a baby needs his mother..... arggghhh .. m i getting obsessed? I don't know. I don't even know whether its normal. but my friends don't behave like this. i mean we are already two years married but still my urge to get more of him never ceases.
I hope I'm not eating up on his space. And I'm scared of loosing my individuality and end up being his shadow.
But its so uncontrollable. I continue to let him take control of me and be mesmerise by him. kambakht Ishq !